I've recently been in a number of conversations that center around the idea of "Community." Not the television show but the idea or philosophy of community. I'm convinced that it might be one of the more mysterious ideas in our world.
Clearly, it is a pretty important deal in Scripture. One of Jesus' biggest deals with the Pharisees was their inability to have a real relationship with anybody, let alone God. They had it in their head that if they said the right things and did the right things that people would look up to them and that they would enter the Kingdom of Heaven. And they were wrong.
Here's the interesting thing to me: Community is unable to achieved without some level of conflict. If you're unwilling to have some conflict in your quest for community, then you're unwilling to have community. They go hand in hand. The question is how will you deal with it. How will you handle the conflict that will inevitably come?
So on the topic of Community I thought I would offer some humble wisdom points in regards to achieving Community:
1) Community is built in the Purposeful.
Those times of serious conversation, those moments of in depth extroversion, the prayerful glimpses into another person's life are some of the most intense "community-building" pieces in any relationship.
2) Community is built in the Purposeless.
I don't know about all of you, but it seems that the times of just hanging out and watching The Office or playing cards or spending a weekend playing video games that you haven't played in ages can seem to serve no purpose. But the reality is this, time spent can be a huge community builder. Don't write off those seemingly insignificant moments.
3) Community is built through Humor.
Come on. If you can laugh together, you probably have other things that are similar. Humor can be a starting point for so many other conversations that will lead to doing life-on-life with someone. Laugh it up. Have a day! Make some memories! But think of #4...
4) Community is divided through Humor.
The reality is that not everybody is going to laugh at everything. Sure, I have my own perspective on certain things that are humorous. I also think that some things that are funny now, weren't very funny back in high school. Likewise, I don't think some things are funny now that were in high school. Be cautious that your humor isn't divisive. It might be one of the best ways to separate yourself from someone.
What about you? How do you create community with those around you?
GC
Showing posts with label Community. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Community. Show all posts
January 26, 2011
November 20, 2009
New Series: Friendship Fridays
This is not a series that should be relegated to only students. These ideas will be practical in nearly any setting. However, truth remains that perhaps they will be a little more difficult given the circumstances of the current relationship that you may have with the people you wish to grow deeper with.
So, let us be challenged together! I hope that you will join me as we begin this journey into deeper friendships and more valued relationships!
August 25, 2009
A Response to a Post
I recently made a post on the topic of community and pseudo community. You can find it here.
At the bottom of that post, you can see a comment that was left by a friend of mine:
That sounds somewhat judgemental and harsh. Clearly, it is. However, let me develop this a little bit.
We have been told, for many years, that there needs to be stability that nearly radiates from the male of the household; the father is the cornerstone of the family and is required to support, balance, and help create a discipline that everyone can live by. The buck stops with dad or any male in a leadership position. Through this, the men that have answered God's call to lead our churches have not been able to escape, in most cases, the cultural norm or slant toward this view of a true "man." Men have, perhaps by no conscious fault of their own, portrayed the Christian life as being one that celebrates the good seasons and continually prepares for the seasons of hunger, drought, sickness, and pain. Therefore, the men of the church, must have life figured out and not be emotional, unsure, or lack confidence in their ability to figure things out in their straight shirts, firmly pressed this morning at 5:30am; because every good man is up 2 hours before the crack of dawn.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not condemning being punctual and getting up early. But the point that I am making is that the men of church, have forgotten that "Jesus wept," in John 11:35; and not behind closed doors. That passage comes in front of Mary and "the Jews who had come along with her also weeping" (v. 33). In this same passage, Jesus is "deeply moved" twice; once in verse 33 and again in verse 38. The men of the church began to take on a more worldly portrayal of what it meant to be a Christian man; calculated, confident, never stumbling or being surprised.
Unfortunately, I think that we have found, in recent years, that is not the way that it is in reality. When we are honest with ourselves, as pastors or lay people, we don't have it all together; we don't have all of this stuff mastered, and I don't think that God expects that from us. We are broken people, pastors included, that face the temptations of the world and face the same opportunities to hinder the work of God at any point. However, this has not been the message for many years.
So this post is to men, across all walks of life, in any capacity of the word man. Be confident enough in the One that you can be broken and open. Pastors, share your genuine insecurities with those that you teach. In response to the questions posted by my good friend above, we are afraid because we have been conditioned by those that have been conditioned before us to hold to the fact that we must not be broken or imperfect.
We don't have it together, let's start acting and teaching like it.
At the bottom of that post, you can see a comment that was left by a friend of mine:
So I've been thinking about similar concepts recently. However, my question is "why do I feel the need to hide?"This question that he raises is critical to the process of understanding the need for community in contrast to true pseudo-community. It is pretty clear that, in relationships, there needs to be a pretty high level of true community and realness that exists between the two people for any real connection to happen. Because of this understanding, I ask the question in a bit more focused manner: Why has it been differently portrayed in most churches across America? Actually, I think that answer is quite simple: Men.
Human nature?
Church sermons never telling us we can fail?
or my biggest fear...
I don't really believe the gospel?
I think somehow we (me included) have created a culture in which working out our salvation is unacceptable. We fear doing it in our own silence, let alone in front of our communities. But I can't believe that's the way to freedom.
That sounds somewhat judgemental and harsh. Clearly, it is. However, let me develop this a little bit.
We have been told, for many years, that there needs to be stability that nearly radiates from the male of the household; the father is the cornerstone of the family and is required to support, balance, and help create a discipline that everyone can live by. The buck stops with dad or any male in a leadership position. Through this, the men that have answered God's call to lead our churches have not been able to escape, in most cases, the cultural norm or slant toward this view of a true "man." Men have, perhaps by no conscious fault of their own, portrayed the Christian life as being one that celebrates the good seasons and continually prepares for the seasons of hunger, drought, sickness, and pain. Therefore, the men of the church, must have life figured out and not be emotional, unsure, or lack confidence in their ability to figure things out in their straight shirts, firmly pressed this morning at 5:30am; because every good man is up 2 hours before the crack of dawn.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not condemning being punctual and getting up early. But the point that I am making is that the men of church, have forgotten that "Jesus wept," in John 11:35; and not behind closed doors. That passage comes in front of Mary and "the Jews who had come along with her also weeping" (v. 33). In this same passage, Jesus is "deeply moved" twice; once in verse 33 and again in verse 38. The men of the church began to take on a more worldly portrayal of what it meant to be a Christian man; calculated, confident, never stumbling or being surprised.
Unfortunately, I think that we have found, in recent years, that is not the way that it is in reality. When we are honest with ourselves, as pastors or lay people, we don't have it all together; we don't have all of this stuff mastered, and I don't think that God expects that from us. We are broken people, pastors included, that face the temptations of the world and face the same opportunities to hinder the work of God at any point. However, this has not been the message for many years.
So this post is to men, across all walks of life, in any capacity of the word man. Be confident enough in the One that you can be broken and open. Pastors, share your genuine insecurities with those that you teach. In response to the questions posted by my good friend above, we are afraid because we have been conditioned by those that have been conditioned before us to hold to the fact that we must not be broken or imperfect.
We don't have it together, let's start acting and teaching like it.
8If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. -1 John 1:8-10 (NIV)
August 24, 2009
Reflections on Accountability
I've been working with some students, pushing them to develop relationships in their lives that keep them accountable to the goals and commitments that we have made and the decisions that we want to hold to. But in doing this I am not sure that I have accurately given a representation of what Accountability looks like in the context of a friendship. Therefore, here are some of my own personal tips and suggestions for an Accountability relationship.
1. Be Open
This is critical from the very beginning. If you want to gain something from this relationship, then tell that person. If you see something that bothers you or hear something about that person that you are confused about, TELL THEM! One of the most critical portions of being in an open relationship with a friend is just that; being open. Being open to what they are saying to you and being open to the tone that they might be using.
2. Seek to Understand FIRST
When we are in a place of accountability, we need to seek to understand what that person is going through. Even when we know that something is going on with that person (failure to keep TAWG, Inappropriate Relationships, etc.) it is our responsibility to try and understand what is going on in that person's life. We might be barking up the right tree, but it might be the wrong tree. So try to figure out what's going on with that person before you try and "perform surgery" on their life. On top of that, we have to be sure that if we are the one who is being "called out," and it is hurting more than it usually does, we need to be willing to ask questions that force us to understand where that person is coming from.
3. Utilize the Spirit of God
Sometimes we forget that God can reveal things in our lives through other people. Because of this we need to be open to the Spirit's movement in our conversations with people. In order to do that, we need to ask for His guiding in those conversations. In addition to that, we need to be attentive to what the Spirit is saying. For me, I rarely get specific promptings that say, "This person is doing ________." (You fill in the blank) What I normally find the Spirit saying is, "Keep pushing. Don't stop until they reveal something." Or, "They DO KNOW what it is that they need to do." But what I have to find myself doing is making sure that it is me being sensitive to the spirit and not adding my own spirit.
4. Find it in you to be an Encourager
When we are in an accountability relationship, it can very quickly and very easily become a very deep conversation EVERY TIME or a very frustrating conversation EVERY TIME. We have to realize that we can't always be analyzing their life. We MUST, for the health of the relationship, find a way to encourage that individual or that person may see you coming and turn the other way; or put walls up against you in their mind. We must be able to push each other, but we must also find ways to build each other up as well.
5. Be Completely Real
I've talked about community and pseudo-community before on this blog and this is no different in this setting. The key to a true accountability relationship is being able to be real even when it hurts. When that person irritates you to no end or offends you; TELL THEM! When you see the other person doing something that is contrary to what they had committed to or desired to do; TELL THEM! Love was never meant to be flowery, plush, and comfortable. If it was, someone might want to send Jesus a memo, cause I'm pretty sure the cross was none of those. The point is that we must be willing to spar a little bit. Growing is not easy, it's not pleasant, and it's not without some rough edges. Be willing to feel the sharpness of realness and honesty; it is so much more worth it when this kind of reality can be achieved and not avoided.
As we enter into these type of relationships to seize the opportunity to spur each other on, may we be wise and committed to creating the best possible environments for growth and closeness to each other and closeness to God.
1. Be Open
This is critical from the very beginning. If you want to gain something from this relationship, then tell that person. If you see something that bothers you or hear something about that person that you are confused about, TELL THEM! One of the most critical portions of being in an open relationship with a friend is just that; being open. Being open to what they are saying to you and being open to the tone that they might be using.
2. Seek to Understand FIRST
When we are in a place of accountability, we need to seek to understand what that person is going through. Even when we know that something is going on with that person (failure to keep TAWG, Inappropriate Relationships, etc.) it is our responsibility to try and understand what is going on in that person's life. We might be barking up the right tree, but it might be the wrong tree. So try to figure out what's going on with that person before you try and "perform surgery" on their life. On top of that, we have to be sure that if we are the one who is being "called out," and it is hurting more than it usually does, we need to be willing to ask questions that force us to understand where that person is coming from.
3. Utilize the Spirit of God
Sometimes we forget that God can reveal things in our lives through other people. Because of this we need to be open to the Spirit's movement in our conversations with people. In order to do that, we need to ask for His guiding in those conversations. In addition to that, we need to be attentive to what the Spirit is saying. For me, I rarely get specific promptings that say, "This person is doing ________." (You fill in the blank) What I normally find the Spirit saying is, "Keep pushing. Don't stop until they reveal something." Or, "They DO KNOW what it is that they need to do." But what I have to find myself doing is making sure that it is me being sensitive to the spirit and not adding my own spirit.
4. Find it in you to be an Encourager
When we are in an accountability relationship, it can very quickly and very easily become a very deep conversation EVERY TIME or a very frustrating conversation EVERY TIME. We have to realize that we can't always be analyzing their life. We MUST, for the health of the relationship, find a way to encourage that individual or that person may see you coming and turn the other way; or put walls up against you in their mind. We must be able to push each other, but we must also find ways to build each other up as well.
5. Be Completely Real
I've talked about community and pseudo-community before on this blog and this is no different in this setting. The key to a true accountability relationship is being able to be real even when it hurts. When that person irritates you to no end or offends you; TELL THEM! When you see the other person doing something that is contrary to what they had committed to or desired to do; TELL THEM! Love was never meant to be flowery, plush, and comfortable. If it was, someone might want to send Jesus a memo, cause I'm pretty sure the cross was none of those. The point is that we must be willing to spar a little bit. Growing is not easy, it's not pleasant, and it's not without some rough edges. Be willing to feel the sharpness of realness and honesty; it is so much more worth it when this kind of reality can be achieved and not avoided.
As we enter into these type of relationships to seize the opportunity to spur each other on, may we be wise and committed to creating the best possible environments for growth and closeness to each other and closeness to God.
17 As iron sharpens iron,
so one man sharpens another. - Proverbs 27:17
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