I was venting a bit the other day to a few friends about the place that God seemed to have me at the time. Basically looking at my own life and saying, "You know what. I could do a better job with this whole thing." I was convinced, in that moment that my life was one thing, and given my own intellect, it could be something much greater. Even after my fury was poured out, I left that conversation, not really remembering anything my friend had said, still fuming about my current situation and my life. I was so frustrated with my current set of circumstances that I was clearly over analyzing certain aspects of the situation and clearly doubting the providence of the one that I was preaching about 5 days earlier.
I mean if I am really honest about it, my personal plan would be to glorify myself. Be the coolest pastor. Be the pastor of the biggest church. Have 6 million followers on Twitter and like a gajillion friends on facebook. I'd have written books and have websites and all sorts of social media apps so that people could continue to stay in touch with me and my ministry. I'd speak at the biggest events. I'd be known by a ton of people. Because its not time yet.
Because I'm not humble enough yet.
Because I've not gone through the Holy Spirit-guided fires.
Because I haven't seen the things and experienced the things that I would have to go through to have all of those things and still be humble; and still consider Jesus as my Lord and my Savior.
I would never say that that is my belief of God's ultimate plan for me. I also would never say that I truly desire all of that. However, given the chance, I know it would be a temptation for me. A temptation so great that I am not sure, given my present status in life, I would be willing to fight and willing to wage war against.
But I'm not done yet. And God's not through with me yet. And that is a terribly difficult thing to accept as a controlling, fixing, get things done, "Big D" personality.
The real statement to me is "who do I think I am?" Not for questioning where I am in my life, but for questioning where I'm going. For questioning the process that God is continuing and has promised to continue until He returns. I am not God and I am not the author of my salvation. He is. And today, I hold on to that promise.