A Confession and a Change in Perspective

This is the most recent addition to the short list of books that I have read to completion. What is worse, it slapped me in the face! OUCH! But seriously.

The premise of the book is the story of Joe Ehrmann, a former Baltimore Colt that loses his younger brother, finds his Savior, and creates ministries, programs, and a philosophy on life that transforms those around him and those that he leads. Jeffery Marx, the book's author has an encounter, early on, with Ehrmann which connects them and sets the stage for this book as he is involved with the Colts as a ball boy.

I don't want to give away the book's plot and storyline because I want you to read it for yourself. However, there is one aspect of the philosophy that is laid out, that I was completely in accord to and realized that I needed to address in my own life and perhaps even publicly.

So, as I read the book, the way that Joe describes what a man should be and not what a man he identifies that when men are not open and honest about their true selves, it does not create community, but pseudo-community. Pseudo-community, is the notion that the only thing that I may know in a group of men is their fake fronts that they are putting out because they are afraid of letting people, namely, other men, into the core of their being. But the problem is, I'm part of the problem too!

What Joe suggests is that when we are in "close-knit" relationship, we simply are part of a hoax on ourselves that does not allow for the true understanding of where someone else is because all we understand from each other is limited to what we have allowed them to think about us. We have given them a line of hogwash that does not create community, rather it harms it. And I fear that I have been a proponent of pseudo-community.

I am so convicted by this, because of a lesson that I learned in Communication Theory called Social Penetration Theory. In this theory, our personalities or character is described as a layered shell that protects our deepest and most intimate secrets, characteristics, and most personal topics of interest. The person that we are connecting with or trying to create community with is like a wedge. This wedge can only go as far as the person who controls the layers allows them to go. That person is us, or Bob to keep things clear. So, Bob is connecting with Jim. Jim will only be able to get to the deeper parts of Bob's personality when Bob wants Jim to and only as far as Bob wants Jim to get. The problem is when Bob decides that Jim isn't going to know him at all and redirects Jim into a fake personality and puts up a facade. What is worse is that Jim does the same thing!

This example is true alot of times, in both Men and Women (don't try and deny it ladies!). And so my confession is that I have been a facilitator of the pseudo-community that is the facade at times. I would like to think that I was allowing the guys of my small group in college into the deeper, true areas of my personality and heart, however, I am not 100% sure that I did that because I always felt as if I needed to be in some sort of power position. But the point is that this wasn't any more empowering than not being part of the small group itself. Enter pseudo-community.

So my challenge to myself and to those that read this blog is to recognize where you have been a proponent of pseudo-community, whether its in a small group setting, with your friends, or even your family and correct it. Open up. Get Burned a little bit. The fact is that every other person in this world doesn't quite understand this and so they won't be willing to interact with you on the level that you are willing to go, but it might be a step in the right direction. Even if it is your dad; step it up and extend an open hand into your heart so that, perhaps, he can see the true you and not have a false understanding of who you are through the eyes of someone else.

So, as far as the book in concerned, it is a great book. I recommend it to anybody! But more specifically, anybody with a sports background this is a good book for receiving perspective on life in a manner that provides you with information that you truly can understand and grasp quickly.